


Giving Up Before There's a Chance

by gakarian



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Angsty Nick Valentine, Detective Noir, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-23 07:56:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8319964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gakarian/pseuds/gakarian
Summary: Nick Valentine's dreams are the only things that keep him connected to his past, but lately he's been finding his past and his present mixing together.  He's in love, and there's seemingly nothing he can do about it.  (Started out as a short drabble.  Oops.)





	1. Unrequited

“Your eyes are the brightest thing in this place,” she said.  She was dressed down, obviously looked like she had just gotten off work, in a white button-up and a business skirt with a slit down the side.  She was certainly a looker; her blouse was unbuttoned just enough to show a teasing amount of cleavage, and her long, long legs were covered in a seamless pair of cream-colored panty-hose.  She made a hand motion to the bartender, with a soft “the usual,” and he returned with a shot of straight vodka.

“Trying to get drunk quickly?” he quipped, wrapping his fingers around his own glass of whiskey and taking a sip.

“What else would I come here to do?” she replied, downing the shot before shaking her head, shivering.  “What’s a handsome cop come here to do, other than drink?”

“Detective.  And nothing.”  He took another sip, letting the whiskey burn his throat pleasantly.  “Not interested, sweetheart.”

“What, you got a girl back home?”  He gripped a little tighter onto his glass at that, taking a puff of his cigarette.  “She’s real unlucky, you being here and not with her.”

“No girl.”

“Now that’s hard to believe.”  She laughed, softly, like she was whispering her excitement to him and only him.  She placed her fingers on his shoulder.  “You’re far too good-looking to be alone.”

“And let me guess,” Nick started, putting out his cigarette, “you’ve a mind to change that.”

“If I’ve a mind at all, I can’t let you walk out of here alone.”  She almost purred those words, stroking his shoulder with her hand.  “Not when you’re looking as good as you do.”

Suddenly, he woke up.

His heart felt like it had been crushed into tiny pieces and sewn back together jaggedly.  He clenched his hands, sitting up from his bed.

Those damned dreams again.  They were driving him crazy.

He glanced across the room, seeing that she had fallen asleep in her chair with a gun in her hand.  She was wearing the same blood-stained vault suit she always wore.  He stood, cracking his fingers and taking a deep breath before walking over to her, gently taking the laser pistol from her hands.

Her eyes fluttered open, and she locked eyes with Nick before sputtering, “I’m sorry, I didn’t—I didn’t mean to fall asleep—”

He smiled, handling the gun over his shoulder before brushing the hair from her eyes.  “Take my spot.  I’ll keep watch.”

“No, Nick, I can do it,” she insisted, grabbing for the pistol, but he kept it out of her reach, pointing to the mattress where he had slept.

“Bed.  Now.  I can go without sleep longer than you humans can.”  Defeated, she stood, stretching her arms above her head before she walked over to the mattress, lying down.

He sat in her place, staring out the window.  He thought of his dream—no, he couldn’t think of his dream.  It wasn’t the time.

She wasn’t interested.  Not in a robot.


	2. Fruitless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick Valentine keeps having dreams. Dreams about her. And he doesn't know what to do, or if he even deserves to do anything about it.

They stumbled into the apartment, kissing and groping at each other like a pair of newlyweds. His hands roamed around her hips, while her arms were tightly wrapped around his neck, only moving to cup his cheeks with her warm hands as he kissed her. She tasted like straight vodka and honey, a strangely tantalizing mix.

Fumbling their way through the hallway, they made it into Nick’s bedroom, where she quickly pushed him onto the bed, climbing atop him.

“You know what drove me crazy?” she started, straddling him, untying his tie and throwing it across the room. “Your cologne. You smell delicious.” He chuckled, reaching up to unbutton his shirt, but she batted his hands away, doing it for him. “That’s not the only thing, of course. Just the thing I noticed first.”

“I’ve got to confess,” Nick started as she unbuttoned the last button, untucking it before spreading it away from his chest, “I don’t do this. I don’t take home strangers on the nightly.”

She bit her lip as she ran her fingers up his chest, a bit of red lipstick smearing on her teeth. “Neither do I.” She leaned in closely, pecking his lips before unbuttoning her own shirt. “You should feel special.”

He laughed, sitting up, gently taking her hands away so he could take off her shirt for her. “I’ll feel special when I wake up tomorrow and my wallet’s still here.” He pulled it off once it was unbuttoned, revealing a lacy, black bra.

“Ouch.” She pulled away, standing and unzipping her skirt quickly, letting it fall to the floor before she slid her pantyhose down her legs. “Entirely warranted, but still.” She straddled him yet again, pushing him by his chest back onto the mattress. “Ooh, Mr. Detective. Is that a gun? Or are you just happy to see me?”

“You’ve been waiting all night to be able to say that, haven’t you?”

She laughed, pressing her body against him, but sticking her ass far up into the air. “You see right through me.”

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and the scene vanished, giving way to a vast, wasted landscape.

“Nick?” She shook his shoulder gently with one hand, and he reached up, patting her hand. “Thought I lost you there for a minute. You just kind of froze.”

“Sorry, doll. Got lost in thought.” He took off his hat, rubbing the top of his head before putting it back on. He cringed slightly at how his metal hand scraped against the synthetic “skin” of his head.

“Doll?” She smiled, crossing her arms. “That’s a new one.”

“You like it?” he chuckled, taking out a cigarette and lighting it before taking a smoke. “You’re as pretty as one.”

“Flatterer.” She glanced around; it was getting dark. She spotted a spot by a billboard sign with a long-dead campfire, and she pointed to it. “Let’s take it in for tonight. We’ll make it back to Diamond City by noon tomorrow if we leave first thing in the morning.”

“Will do.” He followed her to the campfire, taking the initiative to relight the fire with his lighter while she set up a small barricade with pieces of wooden and steel boxes littering the surrounding area. She was a powerhouse; she could probably lift more than he could’ve in his human days. She caught him staring, and he sat on a log sitting by the campfire, pretending like he hadn’t been looking, taking a puff from his cigarette.

She was a gem. But he was damned if he thought he would ever have a chance.


	3. Heartbroken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (I'm just naming these chapters random sad words. Can you tell?) Nick Valentine gets his heart shattered again without even trying.

Standing at the window with his cup of coffee, black as night, he watched the light rain idly fall from the sky, a few drops making their way down the glass.  Nick took a sip from his mug.  It was freezing in the apartment, and he had half a mind to slide back under the covers, but he was afraid he’d wake his new guest up.

He was surprised, shocked even, when he found she hadn’t left early in the morning before he woke up.  Her clothes were still scattered on the floor, along with his own, and she was still sprawled out under the comforter, looking like a dream.

He glanced back out the window.  Half of him wanted the rain to stop because there was nothing more depressing than a cold, rainy day.  The other half wanted it to keep going… _She might not leave if it keeps raining_.

He jumped a little when he felt a pair of arms slither their way around his waist, but relaxed when he grasped that it was just her.  She pressed her face into his spine, mumbling something about coffee.

“I’ll get you some.”  He started to move, but she clung to him tightly.  He realized that she was wearing his shirt; it was baggy on her, and certainly didn’t leave much to the imagination.  “What’s the matter?”

“Just give me a sip of yours.  Then come back to bed.”

He laughed a little, handing her his mug.  “You drive a hard bargain.”  She took a sip, letting go of him and leaving the cup on his nightstand.  He followed, slipping his hands under her shirt, up her back, leaving goosebumps as they went.  “No plans to leave?”

“Disappointed?”  She turned, lying back on the bed, pulling him on top of her.  “It’s too cold outside, anyway.  And I don’t have an umbrella.”  She pecked his nose; lipstick stained her lips.  “I could give a number of excuses, really.  But it all narrows down to ‘I want to stay here with you.’”

“Didn’t take you for the sentimental type, is all.”  Nick ran his fingers down her hips, kissing her briefly before wrapping his arms around her waist.  “Not with how you used me last night.”

She laughed, taking his face in both her hands, trailing her fingers down his jaw.  “Some people like to be used.”

“You see right through me.”  He kissed her again, a moment longer this time, as if he couldn’t bear to pull away.  What was wrong with him?  “But that’s not it, is it?”

“Of course not.  I have a heart.”  She ran her fingers through his hair idly.  “At least, I did.  Until you stole it.”

Nick laughed.  “I try.”

She smiled, but out of nowhere, her smile morphed into a look of horror.  “You’re… What happened?  What’s wrong with you?”

Giving her a confused look, he realized his right hand had gone completely numb.

“Nicky?”

Blinking his eyes, the beautiful sight below him became dirt-covered, her hair pulled back, her face now hovering barely inches above his own with a worried expression.

“Nick? _Valentine!_ Are you up?”

He shook his head, mostly to try and clear his head of the dream he’d just had, and he sat up.  “What’s… What’s going on?”

“I just killed a bunch of mole rats.  They’ve got a hole about fifty feet away from here.”  She held out her hand to help him up, and he took it, pulling himself up.  “We ought to get out of here before more come.  I’m surprised you didn’t wake up from all the gunshots.”

“I went out pretty hard.” He sighed. 

She grabbed her pack, messing with a couple of dials on her Pip-Boy before giving him a smile. “I didn’t even know synths could sleep.  Do you dream?  Or do you just see a wall of code?” she joked.

“Yep.  Normal dreams, just like you do.”  They started back on the road.  “Nothing too interesting there.”

“You just don’t want me to ask what dreams you have.”  She took her hair out of its ponytail with a smile, squeezing her hair back behind her head before retying it.  “You’ve been dreaming about me, I bet.”

 _You have no idea._   He laughed, rubbing his neck as he walked.  “Got it right on the nose, dollface.”

“I knew it,” she teased, facing him, walking backwards.  She had a bit more bounce in her step today; it was cute.  “I dream about you too, Nick Valentine.”

There was something about the way she said his whole name that made him smile.  “Oh?  Do tell.”

“Sometimes I dream about us in a field of flowers.”  She turned again, walking in a straight line as they travelled down the road.  “No nuclear war, no caps, no worries.  We’re just lying in a field of daisies, talking.”  He shook his head with a grin; she was so incredibly delightful.  “I don’t dream about anyone else, though.  I don’t know why.  Maybe I’m secretly in love with you.”

His heart dropped into his stomach.  _Quit toying with my heartstrings like that._   “You’re just flattering me now, kid.”

“What if I was being serious?” She smiled, turning her head to him.  “What would you think?”

“I would think…” He sighed.  “I would think you could get so much better.”

“Oh, please.  You’re the best there is.”  She stopped, facing him with a smile.  She surprised him as she put both her hands on his shoulders.  “You’re a wonderful man, Valentine.  You’re all a girl wants: kindness, gentlemanliness, _and_ you’re a looker.  You’ll find someone you deserve one of these days, Nicky.”

 _That_ one hurt.  But he had to remind himself that she had no idea what she was doing to him.  “I…”  He swallowed, giving a small smile.  “Thanks, kid.”


	4. Reciprocity

“Are you working?”

His phone wedged between his shoulder and his ear, he murmured a soft “mhm” as he typed out his reports.  “Sorry, doll.”

“I’ll stop by your office, then.”

“You don’t have to.  I’ll pick you up when I get off.”

“I’m already here, Nicky.”  He jumped a bit when there was a knock at his door, and he laughed a little, standing and getting the door.  There she stood, her phone still to her ear, dressed in her regular lawyer attire.  She smiled, hanging up the phone.  “How are you?”

He leaned against the doorway, giving a small grin as he slipped his phone into his pocket.  “What are you doing here?”

“I had nothing but a small pile of paperwork today, so I took the rest of the day off.”  She walked in past him, setting her purse on his desk.  “I won’t be a bother; I’ve got some more administrative shit to fill out, so I’ll be nice and quiet while you finish your work.”

“Somehow I don’t believe that.”  Nick closed the door behind her, strolling over to her.

She scoffed, crossing her arms with a smile.  “What?  Are you afraid you’ll be distracted by the beautiful woman in your office?  I don’t blame you, she’s a looker.”

He laughed, wrapping his arms around her.  “Can’t argue with that.”  Pecking her lips just once, he pulled away, walking around his desk to sit down.  “I’ll be done in an hour, tops.  Then I’ll take you to dinner.”

“Take your time, baby.”  She sat in the chair across from his desk, pulling out a pack of papers from her purse and a pen.

It took him a minute to adjust to his surroundings when he woke up this time.  Nick reached up, groaning and covering his eyes as the lantern next to him glared in his eyes.  He was back in his Diamond City office, up in his little makeshift loft, in his bed.  He swung his legs over the edge of the mattress, covering his mouth with a yawn as he stood, bringing the lantern with him as he walked down the steps, carefully as to not trip and fall down the stairs.

That was when he heard the clicking.  He raised an eyebrow, walking down the hallway to his office, where he found her at his desk, leaned back in his desk chair with a notebook on her knee and a clicking pen in her hand.

“What’re you doing here?” he asked, leaning against one of the file cabinets.  “I thought you had Minuteman business with Garvey.”

She glanced up at him, giving a soft, tired smile.  “It turned out to be Raiders misusing a radio beacon. Dealt with them quickly.”  She tried to go back to writing, but it seemed she was having a hard time figuring out what to write, so she continued clicking the pen.

“So you decided to come back here in the middle of the night?”  Nick walked over, sitting in the chair across from her.  “Nearly gave me a heart attack.”

She gave a sheepish smile, setting the notebook on his desk.  “Sorry, Nicky.”  She sat upright, propping up her chin in her hand against the desk.  “It’s quieter here.  Home plate’s noisy; the whole market is.”

“Don’t be sorry.  Good to know you’re here instead of getting chewed on by radroaches.”  He reached across the desk, taking her hand.  “Got something on your mind?”

She stared at their hands together for a moment before squeezing his hand gently, pursing her lips.  “I’ve got a _lot_ on my mind.  Don’t know if I want to talk about it or not.”

“Might make you feel better to get it off your chest.”

She thought for a moment, then nodded.  “You’re right… You’re always right,” she said, giving a small, pained laugh.  “I’m just… I’ve been having a hard time adjusting.  It’s been almost a year since I left the vault and I’m still reeling in how different everything is.”

“Of course you’re still having a hard time, doll.  That’s not an easy transition.”  He rubbed his thumb over her knuckles.  “Sometimes even I find myself slipping back into memories before the war, and it’s been over a century for me.”

She gave a soft smile, her eyes still on their hands.  “I’m still expecting it all to be a big nightmare.  Like I’ll wake up any minute now, lying next to Nate, Shaun sleeping in his crib in the next room.”  She took her other hand, placing it on top of Nick’s.  “I’ve accepted that it’s not going to happen. But damn, if I don’t just wish sometimes…”

“There’s always gonna be regrets, kid.  I can say that much,” Nick said.  “I think everyone wishes they were back before the war.  But it’s harder for people like us who were actually there.”

“You’re right.”  She sighed, pulling her hands away, to his dismay.  “You’re always right, Nick.  Thank you.”  She glanced around, clicking the pen a couple of times.  “Maybe I should go.”

“You don’t have to.”  He hoped he didn’t sound as desperate as he felt.  “I’ve got an extra mattress upstairs.  Stay here for tonight.”

She thought for a moment, standing.  “I… Alright.”

He stood, starting for the stairs, but letting out a surprised noise when she suddenly pulled him into a tight hug.  He froze a bit, not knowing how to react, until he regained his common sense, wrapping his arms around her.

“Thank you, Nicky.”


	5. Denial

“You look like a damn dream tonight.” Hooking her arm around his own, Nick walked with her as they followed the maître d’ to their table.  They’d decided on a nice little Italian restaurant down the block from his apartment for that Friday night, which meant they had to dress up.  She wasn’t the type to dress up for anything other than for professionalism, but she looked ravishing in the tight little black dress she wore, bodycon and with black little pumps.  He’d settled on a simple, nice sports coat over his usual white button-up and suspenders hooked to black dress pants.  She always told him how much she liked the damn suspenders.  “You been holding out on me?”

She laughed, squeezing his arm in her elbow.  “You don’t look too bad yourself, Valentine.”  They reached their table, and he pulled out her chair for her, which she graciously sat in.  “Thank you.”

“I’m being serious.  I’ve never seen you like this before.”

“So am I.  I like the jacket.  It fits you well.”  She glanced over the menu quickly before giving him a small wink.  “It’ll look better on the floor when we get home.”

“And the teasing begins,” he quipped, taking a sip of his water with a grin.  “How was work?”

They talked for what seemed like hours, idly touching each other with each new topic brought up.  It was almost eleven o’clock when he realized he hadn’t even thought of asking her.  He thumbed the small, box-shaped protrusion in his pocket, a single bead of sweat making its way down his forehead.

“Hey, ah, doll?  Mind if I ask you something important?”

She gave a soft smile, reaching across to touch his hand as she took another sip of her water.  “Ask away.”

He suddenly stood, walking over to her side of the table and kneeling before her.  The look on her face was priceless as he took out the box.

“Jennifer Lands…”

Wait.  That wasn’t right. 

Her expression changed to confusion.  “Jennifer?”

At that moment, of course, he abruptly woke.

Breathing deeply, he looked in his right hand for the box.  Instead of a human hand, he found the poky, metal frame for a hand, clenched tightly.

He sighed quietly.  Glancing over, he saw her lying on the other mattress, fast asleep.  He grew the urge to reach over, tuck her bangs behind her ear instead of in her eyes, but he didn’t.  He just stepped over her, grabbing his smokes and his hat off the nightstand and heading out.

Closing the front door behind him, he lit his cigarette, taking a puff in before letting out a breath of smoke.

 _She looks just like Jennifer._   He held the cigarette between two fingers, crossing his arms as he leaned against the wall.  _Is that why I’m dreaming about her?  Is that why I can’t get her out of my head?_

He shook his head, waving away the smoke from his cig.  _It’s not right.  Even if I had a chance, it wouldn’t be fair to her._

Taking another smoke, he squeezed the tip of the cigarette between his lips as he breathed it in.

_Is it her I love, or Jennifer?_

_What if it’s both?_

_Does it matter anymore?  Jennifer is gone—_

“Nicky?”

He blinked, glancing beside him to find her standing there, yawning.  “Sorry. Did I wake you?”

“No, the squeaking of the stairs did.”  She laughed a little, leaning against him a little.  He smiled at that, just barely.  Her smile faded, though.  “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing.  Just thinking.”

“Somehow I don’t believe that.”  She, surprisingly, wrapped an arm around his waist.  She was so close; she smelled like lavender.  “Something’s wrong.  It’d probably feel better to get it out in the open, Nick.”

He pulled away from her friendly embrace, taking a puff of his cigarette.  “I’m fine.  You should go back to bed.  Get some sleep.”

“Nick…”  She put a hand on his shoulder, and he quickly shrugged it away.

“Quit touching me like that.”  His voice raised uncharacteristically.  “Go back inside.  I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

She hesitated, but eventually sighed, walking back inside.  He wanted to smack himself; he never raised his voice at anyone unless they deserved it.  And she certainly didn’t deserve it.

He certainly didn’t deserve her, he decided.  She deserved so much more.


	6. Selfless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter this time, folks. Having a hard time finishing this work. But I won't leave it on a sad note, I promise.

Nick had been following her for about three miles now; they’d been travelling across the Commonwealth to find some abandoned witchcraft museum for about two hours, and were making good time, when she suddenly stopped, told him she wanted to take a quick rest.  They sat by an abandoned, ruined Chevrolet, idly chatting while she reluctantly chewed on a piece of mirelurk jerky.

He hadn’t had the dreams for weeks now.  It was like every desire he’d had for the woman had disappeared.

Except they hadn’t.  He still absolutely adored her.  He guessed it was just getting easier and easier to accept that he would never have a chance with her.

It was storming out, a nuclear storm coming in from the southwest.  The sky was starting to turn green, and lightning was touching down in the distance.

“What is going on, Nick?”

“What do you mean?” he asked, taking a smoke of his cigarette.

“You’ve been silent the whole time we’ve been walking.”  She set aside the jerky, swallowing what she had in her mouth with a repulsed scowl.  “And when you haven’t been silent, you’ve been short with me.  What is going on?”

“Nothing.  I’m fine.”  He took another puff of it, flicking the accumulating ashes onto the ground.

She groaned, crossing her arms.  “You’re doing it again.  Stop being so damn short with me.  I’m tired of it.  I want to have a real conversation with you, but it’s like you’re just avoiding me.”

“Maybe I just don’t feel like talking a whole lot,” Nick shot back, standing up.  “I’d expect you to respect that.”

“Stop it.”  She stood, putting her hands on his shoulders.  “I don’t want to fight you.  I just want to know why you’re putting me off.  Please, Nicky.”

He tensed, about to pull away, but, thinking about it for a moment, he sighed, relaxing his shoulders.  He sat back down, rubbing his forehead.

“Just tell me.  I won’t be upset.  Swear.”  She sat beside him, wrapping her arms around him, which only seemed to make it harder for him.

“You’re probably not gonna be upset, doll.  It’s my heart that’s on the line.”

Her brows furrowed.  “What do you mean?”

He opened his mouth to speak more, but he couldn’t get any words out.  Instead, he leaned in, quickly kissing her.

It felt like minutes, hours before she pulled away, and he didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing.  She opened her eyes, her cheeks flushing a deep red, and, to his surprise, she kissed _him_ , wrapping her arms around his neck.  He let his hands rest on her hips, torn between pulling her close and letting her take control.  She was so incredibly warm and smelled of lavender.

Eventually, she ran out of breath and had to pull away, panting a little.  They both went silent, simply staring into each other’s eyes.

Finally, he pulled away, clutching at his shirt collar.  “I…shouldn’t have done that.  I’m sorry.”

Instead of properly responding, she pulled him by his jacket back into a deep kiss, almost knocking him over.  “We should’ve—” she said, in between kisses, “done this sooner.”  Muffled words against his lips were lost as he kissed back, grabbing her by the hips and pulling her into his lap.  Her hands tightly held onto the back of his neck, idly trailing her fingers over the gaps in his synthetic skin, and she locked her legs around his hips.

“You’re—” She pulled away for a moment, cupping his cheeks, her eyelids fluttering a little.  “You’re so good.  Do you know that?  Everything about you is so good.  I don’t know why I didn’t go for you before.  You’re so kind, and wonderful, and just… good.”

He laughed, pecking her lips once.  “Just good?”

“Great.  Perfect.”  She kissed him again.  “Terrific. Flawless. Magnificent.”

He blinked, just once, getting ready to reply, and suddenly he realized he was no longer staring into the eyes of that beauty in his arms.

Just the night sky.

He’d been dreaming.  Again.

His heart seemed to shatter into a million pieces.  He glanced around him, realizing that she’d been sleeping beside him the entire time, on her own sleeping bag.  All he could do was sit up, turn away from her, and light up another cigarette.

When was he going to allow himself to be happy?


End file.
